New Ride Simulates Disney–ABC Merger?

30 Mar

Gotta love The Onion! Today, they’ve got the scoop on a new simulator ride at Walt Disney World:

Described in a Disney press release as “It’s A Small World and Space Mountain meets Barbarians At The Gate,” the Whirly Merge transports its riders, who are strapped in plush leather chairs to “boardroom tables,” through a series of fast-paced and intricate business meetings, all leading to the climactic acquisition stage.

Riders are led by Roy Disney, nephew of Walt Disney and a longtime Disney executive and major shareholder, whose disembodied voice guides them through the experience via a speakerphone in the middle of the table. The voice recounts how in the early 1990s, “a time of legend and magic,” the company was flush with profits from its animated film successes The Lion King and Beauty And The Beast. As holographic accountants dance in giant piles of cash, Michael Eisner conceives a plan to invest the money rather than pay exorbitant taxes on the new windfall.

Quoth 10-year-old Tyler James: “I felt a little sick during the arbitrage part, but I still want to go again!”

Mmm, this sure whets my appetite for April Fools Day . . .

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