Pirate Crocs: Threat or Menace?

27 Apr

I noticed today that Pirates Crocs are now available. Surely this means that the Jolly Roger has forever lost its appeal to urban hipsters. And perhaps it’s even a sign of the apocalypse.

I don’t know what it is about Crocs. I find myself craving a pair for no apparent reason. Perhaps it’s because my son loves his so much. (More proof that I’m really a thirteen-year-old boy at heart.) Perhaps it’s because people rave on about Crocs on one of my favorite message boards, posting links whenever they’ve gone on sale anywhere.

But if you don’t like Crocs, there’s a place for you too: I Hate Crocs Dot Com. From their “Better Living Through Abstinence” page:

It’s not too late to change.

Maybe you’re a person who’s worn crocs or continues to wear crocs now. Maybe you know somebody who can’t leave their house without strapping the oft-punctured plastic devils to their feet. Maybe you’ve even been tempted by their shiny, synthetic glare – but you can save yourself.

Simply follow the steps below for a new, tasteful existence:

1) Decide to say no to them. It’s harder than it sounds, I know, but you can stop. You just need the willpower and a push in the right direction. Talk to a friend or counselor and unless they’ve been enslaved as well, they can help.

2) Cut them up If you can’t seem to help yourself, take the garden shears to them. If no garden shears are available (or if you’re not allowed to use them anymore due to state law) please consult a steak knife, chainsaw or power drill.

3) Keep them to yourself. For God’s sake, if you’re going to wear them, at least spare the children. They’re too young to know any better so please, don’t inflict your pain on them. Children wearing crocs is the next step in de-evolution.

4) Put them away, never speak of them and pretend that you weren’t involved. Hey, it’s working for everybody who wore Zubaz. Get a head start on avoiding future humiliation. Denial is the first step to freedom.

My son’s comment? “If it becomes a big flop, just remember, you don’t see your feet in school pictures.”

And y’know, I’ve always been a big fan of de-evolution myself. Are we not men? Jocko homo.

We Are Devo

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